onlygodjudgeme's Blog

I hit the teacher's desk in class really hard. And my ring broke. It is a 0.0something$ costing ring, so it is no real big loss in financial assets. 

In emotional assets, well, here is the story of the ring: (Watch out, it's gonna be real short) 

When I was in Turkey and I still had a girlfriend, I bought two similar rings from Bursa - which is a beautiful old city that used to be an Ottoman Capital. They were plain, simple, very nice rings which I thought would look good on thumbs. I like thumb rings. 

I told my baby that I've got us two rings and I was supposed to give her the second one when we meet right?

She gave up on me few weeks afterwards and we were -most likely- never going to meet. So, when one of my young cousins said she likes my ring (I was wearing it on my thumb and had kept the other one), I took it off my thumb and gave it to her. I told her I have another one. And indeed, I put on the second one coz my gf was never gonna get it, right? 

So, four days ago, my ex-gf told me she had went off with another woman who seduced her. Today in class, the second ring broke. And now I don't have any of them anymore. 

End of Story :) 

Inner peace..tranquility..are things I tried hard to find in the last years, and I happily attained them with the help of people around me and the positive energy (God, Universe, call it what you believe it is)...

Two days ago, I had a long talk with my ex-girlfriend who confessed that she got sucked into a relationship with another lady, and is "obsessed" by her relationship. And that was the reason why she had suddenly cut me off and stopped replying to my calls, emails, messages, etc... and knew I was physically unable to make long journeys to see her. 

I had been waiting for this explanation for five months and six days exactly. During this period, I lost all trust in her. I still loved her deeply though and just hoped that she was alright. But the thing that I missed most was my inner balance and peace. 
Surprisingly, when my ex-gf told me the real story of why she did it, she gave me back my inner peace. Closure, I think, whether happy or sad, is always good. It helped complete the story and thus, hopefully, will allow me to archive it real fast. 

I am a bit sad about her simply getting seduced by "a rub of the leg" and leaving a serious, committed and loving relationship just like that. It did feel ridiculous. But it also made me realize that we were at totally different levels. 

While I was a very realistic partner and always warned her that it is difficult for us (both closeted) to make this relationship work on a long-term basis, I was at the same time very faithful. And I still believe relationships (as soon as they begin) are sacred. I do not even THINK of looking at someone else. Not even if I met the biggest actress crush of my life. I wouldn't do it. Again, for me it is sacred. 
She, on the other hand, was more optimistic about things, and willing to take more risks, ready to travel with me anywhere, etc.. Probably the age factor helps with that (she's 22 - I am 30).  However, as soon as she got hit on by this distant friend of hers, she -quoting her- gets sucked into a relationship that, I think, is based on physical attraction and lust. Her new gf, who's a Christian, always feels guilty and talks about wanting to stop this "sin". Because of that she passes by really moody times where she treats my ex like shit (and this is still how she put it herself). 

The most important thing is, I am happily single now. Not the tortured left-alone-to-wonder soul thinking I made a horrible mistake that sent my gf away. I am peaceful, productive, smiling, and happy! 

My mood: very peaceful

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: April’s
hesitation, the aroma of bread
at dawn, a woman’s point of view about men, the works of
Aeschylus, the beginning
of love, grass on a stone, mothers living on a flute’s sigh and
the invaders’ fear of memories

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: the
final days of September, a woman
keeping her apricots ripe after forty, the hour of sunlight in
prison, a cloud reflecting a swarm
of creatures, the peoples’ applause for those who face death
with a smile, a tyrant’s fear of songs.

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: on this
earth, the Lady of Earth,
mother of all beginnings and ends. She was called
Palestine. Her name later became
Palestine. My Lady, because you are my Lady, I deserve life.

Mahmoud Darwish

"The man who finds his homeland sweet is still a tender beginner;
the man for whom each country is as his native soil is already strong;
but only the man for whom the whole world is as a foreign land is perfect",

Hugo of St. Victor

The highest aspiration of the human spirit is unity, not division. 
All the messages of nature and the universe call us to it.

I am confused about my sexuality, confused about family, individuality, community, society, marriage, career, job, confused about everything. 

I had a dream ten years ago to continue my screenwriting studies and finish my degree. And this year I finished it. I visited two cities I so dearly wanted to visit (New York and Istanbul) and I took my remittance from my work and returned back home to my family. It was a tough year. 

Now that I am working independent and staying at home while I recover from a sports injury, I have loads of time to think. And that is becoming an annoyance I think. And, right now, I am hearing loud thunderstorms so I don't think I will be able to focus and continue writing this anymore. Bleh.